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"Anthony Abortini, the Patron Saint of Abortion"
Anthony Abortini, the Patron Saint of Abortion
Anthony Abortini, born June 6th, 1666 in Rome Italy, dedicated his life to the noble cause
of removing unborn fetuses, and making them into stew to feed orphans. An ingenious inventor,
Abortini is said to have created the "baby scraper," a device which would later be modified
by O.A. North of New Britain in 1869 and renamed, the "coat hanger."
Abortini performed his first miracle in the spring of 1687, by feeding an entire orphanage
with only one fetus and a loaf of bread. His second miracle came just hours later, when after sifting
through orphan feces, he reassembled the fetus and brought it back to life for a period of three
minutes. Water was boiled, vegetables were added, and the fetus was soon recycled
into yet another hearty meal for the orphans.
In 1701, after having just pushed a pregnant woman down a flight of stairs, Anthony Abortini
slipped in a pool of the woman's blood, and cracked his own head open, killing him instantly.
The woman also died in the fall. Ironically, the baby inside her survived, but would die
of malnutrition in an orphanage nine years later.
Anthony Abortini was ordained a saint by the Catholic Church in 1703, and was crowned
"The Patron Saint of Abortion." In 1710, the Catholic Church revoked Anthony Abortini's
saint status and reversed its advocacy of abortion, when it was discovered that fetal meat
was an unsuitable source of nutrition for orphans.
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